Sept.06 Mom's Homegoing

Two years ago next week my mom started going downhill fast. She had been in Father Baker nursing home for several years. She had been living through variable levels of coherence but physically remained strong. It was so sad to see a strong willed, brilliant woman reduced to helplessness, her only holds on control were fits of anger over imaginary injustices from invisible forces.
We knew the end was coming because her body started shutting down. It wasn't clear how long she would have to suffer, there is no road map when the end is near. She was in pain most of the time and the slightest touch to her right hand would cause her to yell in pain.
The week before she died, I took time off from school to sit with her. There wasn't much communication, but I know she knew I was there. I would rub her good arm and hold her hand. I read scripture and played CDs of hymns. I did not want her to be alone when she died. Based on her physical condition, the lack of water and food and the amount of morphine she was being given, it was clear she did not have long. Yet day after day she languished.Finally, Brenda a wonderful, loving nurse took me aside. She said, "Sharon, your mom is going to die on her terms not yours. She was a strong willed woman and my guess is she wants to be alone when she finally crosses into heaven. When she was well, she was a capable, in-charge woman. That is how she will die- in-charge. You need to go home, early tonight, get some sleep and go back to work."

So that night, instead of leaving at midnight, I kissed my mom goodbye at 6pm and went home to sleep. I never did go back to work, because she died at 3:30 that morning. The nurses assured us that she was peaceful. They kept the music playing and the morphine flowing.

During those days of sitting with her, the nurses that had taken care of her for years came in one by one to say goodbye. They didn't really say goodbye, they just told her they loved her and squeezed her arm or rubbed her head. These were the same women who had showed me the bruises or scratches she had inflicted on them, yet they still loved her in a way that I could not fathom. God bless them!!
In the end, she made the final decision. She decided she wanted to die alone and she did. The day she died was a scramble of emotions and activity. Funeral preparations, getting her stuff from her room at Father Baker's and preparing pictures. Ahhh the pictures. My mom had been a scrapbooker before the word was popular.

It was only fitting that the funeral home would be full of pictures for her wake. We created picture boards and displayed some of the many scrapbooks she had made. Our dear friend Denise prepared a dinner for our family between the afternoon and evening wakes. It was at the OP Church where my dad had been pastor for 48 years. The house my parents had lived in was right next to the church. It was a rainy afternoon but the sun came out. After dinner we came out the door...
looked up and this is what we saw. Right above the ridge of the trees behind the gym was a beautiful hot air balloon. It took my breath away for its beauty and the symbolism. I thought of mom- soaring like the balloon, finally free of a body and mind that failed her and caused her pain. She was in heaven with Jesus and free, free, free!! Not only free of physical pain but also finally free of the emotional pain that kept her bound for so many years.

When it came time for dad to send thank you notes, I felt compelled to make each one by hand. No two cards were alike. I ended up making about 125 different cards. It was a creative way to honor mom and acknowledge the creativity and skills she had passed down to me.
It is hard to believe that it has been two years since mom's home-going. I often wonder if I have even begun to process her death and yet when someone has dementia~~ it is a very long goodbye. I wouldn't wish her back but I do miss her encouragement and unique take on the world.

The weekend after mom's funeral was the "October Surprise" storm, which shut down Buffalo for almost a week. That Thursday as I was driving home over round hail pellets that seemed to come out of nowhere, I wondered if mom was starting to cause mischief in heaven. By Saturday when we were home and snow bound in mid-October, I was sure of it!!!